1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth
control are not natural.
2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children.
Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the
world needs more children.
3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents
only raise straight children.
4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Kim Kardashian's
72 day fairytale marriage was so meaningful.
5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't
changed at all: women are property, Blacks can't marry Whites, and divorce
is illegal.
6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because
the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected
the rights of minorities.
7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the
values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why
we only have one religion in America.
8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that
hanging around tall people makes you tall.
9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy
behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal
standing and can sign a marriage license.
10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at
home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.
11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual
marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new
social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.
12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a
different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is
always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just
as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.
